Waiting by the Sidelines

Andrew,
We couldn’t be more proud of  your achievements
and be more grateful to be part of your life.
Stay as happy as you are,
be as encouraging as you’ve been to us,
and be the role model that everyone looks up to.
~mom and dad~

If you read my last post from two weeks ago (has it been that long since I posted? eeeek!), you’d know that my son graduated from high school.

And let me tell you how raw that feels to me, still.

It was a beautiful day, after a week of speculating,  “Will it or won’t it rain?”. It was one of the most anticipated day of his conscious life. The thick black clouds that threatened all morning, parted unceremoniously, as June’s lazy afternoon sun stung our backs as it warmed our hearts. The graduates looked so handsome (no caps and gowns but the girls wore white and the boys were in white slacks and dark blazer with school ties) and looked as if they were modeling  what responsible upstanding “citizens” should look like – not the self absorbed high school teenagers, who just spent nights finishing the final requirements to graduate. If there was a detention champion, no one would have guessed who that was that day, as everyone looked so proud and accomplished.

As a parent, you anticipate this day to come, just like any other school graduations in his eighteen years of life. And yet, it was surreal to me, watching him walk down the steps, with his classmate, smiling, as if walking down the aisle at, what could as well have been, his wedding – dressed in white, and girls holding flower baskets. It was a small graduating class of 101 so I could clearly see all the familiar faces and I didn’t have to tip toe and squint to try to guess at small minuscule facial expressions, to try to pick him out. And the intimate, up close and personal, procession made my chest swell, throat choke, heart fill up with sense of humility and eyes well with warm droplets of pride.

I knew this day would come so I prepared for it for so long and yet, question remained in my mind; how did he grow up so fast? How did he get so handsome? Where did the time go? It seemed like it was just yesterday that we were at his Pre-School graduation, listening to him read his “Thank You” letter to the graduating class and teachers. Yes, read. He started reading before Kindergarten and we, the parents, were the envy of all the other parents for what seemed like an ordinary ability. One father, when we run into each other, still shakes his head in awe, and talks about  Andrew’s reading that letter at the Pre-School graduation. 

And now, he’s a real “grown-up”, a young man, who is old enough to decide who will be our next president, serve the country in the military, and sign all the legal documents without me. How long have I been waiting for him to do that?, I questioned, in my mind, standing besides my family and friends who came to witness his yet another milestone, with similar wonderment.

I recently read a very poignant, tear jerking blog by Ann Handley about her son’s graduation. She lamented on her feelings and how we are so good at “watching” our kids. That’s true. But I’d like to add that we, as parents, seem to be always waiting for our kids too. Aren’t we? We wait to conceive and do everything we humanly possible to better the  chances of conception, even if it means doing a head-stand after ingesting some exotic Ayurvedic remedy. (No, I didn’t do that but read about it and threatened to do just that when we were trying to conceive.) We wait nine months for the miraculous arrival and avoid every harmful foods and chemicals we read about in pregnancy books. (I stopped having caffeine and sushi while pregnant) And then, when they arrive, we wait patiently for every little milestone and watch them like hawks. (Despite our round-the-clock, tag team surveillance, Andrew managed to cut his tongue on a coffee table at a friend’s house when he fell, right after he started walking.) Then, when they start school and their numerous after school activities start to occupy what precious little time they have with you, we wait for them from the sidelines… for what seems like an eternity, silently wishing, at times, that you were doing something more ‘productive’ and not ‘wasting’ time.

But they are not wasted time at all. In fact, just by the mere act of waiting by their side, whether they see you or not, you are parenting.  If we didn’t love what we do, as parents, we wouldn’t be waiting so patiently for their soccer game to end, for their ballet class to finish, and for them to finish their homework so that you can go to sleep too. It’s the parenting by waiting by the sidelines.

And now that he’s off to college in the fall, the waiting will be not so obvious. It will be a subtle anticipation of his phone calls, his e-mails, and his fencing team results to be posted online. Skype may work in the beginning as a novelty but that will die off as he gets busier. I don’t know how my parents did it without the advent of the internet, cell phones, and e-mails. I didn’t even have a phone card when I was in college. There was a rotary wall phone in my room that I shared with my roommate. OK, so I’m dating myself but ya’ll know what I’m talking about. How did my parents manage not to hear from me every hour, every day? But I turned out fine, right? So, I have to muster my courage and accept his departure. It is the inevitable beginning of another highway he has to take in his life, right? And this is when my work as a parent, starts to get graded. His days ahead for the rest of his life will be my report card. I won’t lie and tell you that I am not scared. Even the best prepared athletes get nervous before they play. This is no different. But like a professional athlete, I’ve had many years of training and practice. So now, it’s  time to show off my work. You and I will see how I’ve done.

Until then, I will continue to wait.

I’m good at that.

I’ve had many years of training and practice.